"I don't want to be alone"

8/14/14   10:11pm

(1) What is this feeling like I have no gut./
like I'm an electric acoustic that's unplugged./
(2) What soothes this, maybe ice cream in a coffee mug./ Maybe an anti-depresent to have me wanting more hugs./ (3) No one around to listen as my sighs volume up./ The darkness gets explicit as the seconds pass me up./

(4) Deep down in my gut why do I feel hungry./ Also a lack of love like I've been shot and I'm bleeding./ (5) Not by buckets of blood, but emotionally & spiritually./ It's hard waking up in the am when in dreams I taste defeat. (6) I'm afflicted in the mud and tongue is on pig's feet./ Wishing I can wake up when I think I'm still sleep./

(7) Not to say this poem is deep, but I feel like that. Not just in ways that I think, it's much more than that./ (8) Like I'm in a hole bottom of the sea, losing air, needing oxygen mask./ Painted like I'm about to be on Dream St. playing Sega Dreamcast./ (8) If you understood what was wrong with me, then pat my back./ Understand that I need family even if they cause me to be sad./

(10) It does seem like I'm prone try to sit and mope./ This is the honest truth tho, that I don't want to be alone./

Alone & Anger {12-31-12}

° 11:05pm

(1) The title says it all so why do I need delve in./ I'm here with my earbuds in holding all this in./ (2) I know It's bad, but Psalm 4:4 said it's OK as long as I do nothin'./ The more I've pondered instead of prayed there became a disturbance./ (3) See pondering is not bad, but It's horrible when It's the same thing./ (4) Like Fonzy said I should let this go since It's not really anything./ Should of never been washing or encouraging since the rib was not from me./ (5) This takes me back to middle school to even being ridiculed by women in lower Californie./ That was over the net, So no I never been in a ship that is the real thing./ (6) Almost as if I'm destined for the single life like the man who discipled Timothy./ All this rambling and I have not described why I'm alone or angry.

(8) Yeah, I know I have Jesus Christ./ I know very well that His Spirit in me gives me life./ (9) I know that with him I'm supposed to abide./ I know that everything I encounter he went through in his earthly life./ (10) I feel alone I guess, well this may come off like a baby cry./ I would love more connection with my family in Christ./ (11) My biological, well that's my fault that to them I never say Hi./ It's almost like the skin color and blood line I can only identify./ (12) I feel like I break my neck to try to get in touch with my Christ Family line./ Not all of them.. I just wish we all were close.. instead of just on Friday Nights.

(13) I'm angry in so many ways, but I'll calm my tongue in trying to explain./ Family is so dysfunctional, my encouragements are not enough to obtain./ (14) Angry at myself because I feel like bottom of the food chain./ I have faith in Jesus, but myself.. not today./ (15) Angry because I'm Just The Brother and with that I am in a maze./ Exploding like Mark Driscoll except I don't go red in the face./ (16)  I need to repent before I go deeper in a jealous rage./ Angry because these feelings keep taking up first place./

(17) I want to hand this over instead of comparing what my brother does./ Being angry does feel good, yet Love is much more and enough./ (18) I need to breathe because I do feel awkward around those who give feminine hugs./ Tired of being alone, I used to blame that on me being African./ (19) Now I sometimes like I have to kiss butt while being trampled on./ I'm so angry because I just want to feel normal around everyone./

(20) Am I alone when I say that I feel like I can't escape this./ I am Not Of This World. I never ever feel like I belong on this planet.